Must we always be civil?

Extracted from "The Civility Solution: What to Do When People are Rude" by PM Forni.

"FOR TO BE RUDE TO HIM WAS COURTESY"

Must we always be civil?

It's a question I've heard many times since I started giving talks on civility and manners: "Are we always to be polite or are there circumstances that call for a less than civil response? When I hear this question or one of its variations, such as "If someone is rude to us, can we be rude in return?" I am reminded of a famous line in Dante's Divine Comedy. The line, from canto 33 of the Inferno, reads "e cortesia fu lui esser villano," which John Ciardi translates as "for to be rude to him was courtesy." Dante is referring there to his own treatment of Friar Alberigo, a notorious traitor whom he encounters on the frozen lake of Cocytus.

Given the circumstances, Dante argues -- dealing with a rogue enduring eternal punishment at the bottom of Hell-- I was right in being discourteous to him; caddishness was the correct choice.

With all due understanding for Father Dante's behavior in the netherworld, I simply cannot conceive of any circumstance in our own daily lives when it would be appropriate or advantageous to be rude or boorish. The powerful combination of self-respect and respect for others should make it almost impossible for us to choose incivility, if we manage to remain clearheaded even in challenging situations.

But what if we are dealing with somebody whom we don't respect or who says or does something we believe to be wrong? The answer is simple: let's not lose sight of our own standards of behavior, of our own rules of engagement. It is possible to be civil and true to one's beliefs at the same time. The issue is not whether to stand firm or compromise but how to express our firmness. When we express it with poise rather than rudeness, not only are we truer to our better selves, but we infuse our dissent with a power that it wouldn't have otherwise. To brawl is human. To be civil works.

For more on civility Click Here.